My friend, Jonny Balagna, wrote part of my essay to ASU and I thought it was a) pretty accurate and b) pretty funny. I obviously did not chose to attend ASU since I am going to the U, but this would get anyone into school......

In addition to the above-mentioned traits which I have discussed, there are a few weapons that I “have in my arsenal” which I believe will make me da frickin bomb (weapon pun) in your program. Let’s be honest… have you SEEN my picture?!? One word: hot. From what I’ve seen browsing the ASU website, your school would greatly benefit from a looker like me. Such beauty adds prestige to your program and encourages more males to apply. Tell them that I can tie a cherry stem into a knot using only my tongue.I have tried to live my life with the motto, “If you got it, flaunt it.” Let me tell you ASU, I got it. These things are traits relating to my personality and beauty, and I will now provide you with 20 additional bits of information that make me a stellar applicant for your school:

1. I am not afraid to kill a man if necessary.
2. I can see through lead. Not even Superman can do that.
3. If nobody’s watching, I can do a double backflip off of the kitchen counter.
4. I once opened for Bruce Springsteen, and he said I was the new Boss.
5. The little paperclip in Microsoft Word asks ME for suggestions.
6. There are no such things as tornadoes; I just hate trailer parks.
7. In reference to number 1, I have proved myself 3 and a half times.
8. I know where you live, I’ve seen your children, and it would be a shame if anything should happen to them.
9. I simultaneously played both Jean Valjean and Cosette in a Broadway production of Les Miserables.
10. I am in love with Ian Peterson, James Schramm, Ricky Bobby from Talledega Nights, and Horton from Horton hears a Who.
11. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.1
2. While touring with a company of Chinese acrobats, I set the world record for most items juggled at one time. The items consisted of 2 chainsaws, a circus midget, a half-eaten slim jim, 4 bowling balls (8,9,12,and 15 pounds), a Goodyear tire, Paige Hansen, and a sock full of nickels.
13. I am not allergic to sand, sunshine, or Boston Cream Pie.
14. I am the heir to the Toaster Strudel fortune.
15. I paid for college working as a part-time animator for Disney studios. During my time there, I created the characters Batman, Dora the Explorer, and Toucan Sam.
16. I wrote the book of love.
17. I was selected to sing the Star Spangled Banner at this year’s Superbowl, but I was still angry about the Michael Vick dog-fighting scandal so I politely declined.
18. I’m watching you right now.
19. I was first runner up in the Miss Utah competition, and there was insubstantial evidence to link me to her unfortunate poisoning so all charges were dropped and I took the crown.
20. Me like you long tim.