Could there be anything worse in the entire world?

I, unfortuately had the incredible displeasure of seeing the movie "The Time Traveler's Wife." So, here's the story......As you all know, my life is totally lame and I don't really have any friends outside of my roomies up here in Salt Lake, so I was chilling with the family after my cousin Lindsey's baby shower at my mom's. We were bored- namely my mother (referred to as Jan, Jammit, Jammy from here on out) and my sister Megan. We looked at the movies playing at Thanksgiving point and quite honestly, there was nothing playing that looked good that we hadn't already seen (my life is lame, get off my back!), so we decided that we would see "The Time Traveler's Wife" (this will now be referred to as "My Own Personal Hell" from here on out).

Here is my thought process- Its Rachel McAdams. Loved her in Mean Girls and Wedding Crashers. I hated the Notebook, but I must be honest, I suppose that it was tolerable...kind of. The best part of that movie is when the old people die at the end, so I thought it might be like that. Horrible story line (thanks Nicholas Sparks), but some good making out (that's what the kids are calling "it" these days- this is edited just for my mommy) and I could use a little loving in my life so I thought it might be like that. I WAS SO INCREDIBLY WRONG I COULD DIE.

The movie starts out with his mom dying and a really ugly kid playing a young Eric Bana (not a good actor). Then he time travels, but guess what doesn't- his clothes. So, essentially you spend the whole movie looking at Eric Bana's arse. Its not even a nice butt. They should have cast Brad Pitt in this movie. The movie Troy should have been rated G so that everyone could see the brillance of Brad's booty. Anywho, nothing good AT ALL about his bottom. Just makes me uncomfortable and remember why its entitled My Own Personal Hell.

So, the basic story is that he time travels (shocker) back to important moments in his life, but he can't control it, he just goes and his clothes don't. Really? Can't his clothes just go with him? It DOES NOT add to the movie in the least.....but I digress. So, he goes and visits his future wife when starting when she is six. Dirty pervert. She falls for him early on and gets all huffy (at the ripe age of 9) when he tells her that he's married. Pedofile. Anyway, he meets her for the first time when she is in college and he doesn't know her (because he hasn't traveled to see her yet in his life, but he has in hers-yep confusing). They get married and she gets all peeved because he disappears for weeks on end.

This is the best part- because its the most horrible. Something happens and its pretty dramatic, but I can't remember quite what it was because I hear that the brain tries to suppress traumatic experiences- and she just looks at him and says "but we're having a baby." Then she miscarries, gets preggers, miscarries, preggers, miscarries, cries....ahhhhh booo hoooo, ahhhh the horror! So, homeboy decides that the baby is "time traveling out of the womb!" Yep. He said that. Jammit at this point is giggling so hard. She thought this supposedly moving movie was so funny because it was so bad.

He then goes to a doctor that his wife tells him about that he told her about when she was younger. He goes and tells the doctor "I have chromo discombobulation (might be a misquote there)." Dr- "I have never heard of this before and I'm a geneticist!" Homie-"It's a term that you came up with." Yep. That happened. Next scene, they are walking down the street and there is a little girl watching them and you know its their daughter.

Because of the miscarriages, he decides to get a vasectomy without her knowing. That's always smart. Wives don't care about that at all. Good choice. He tells her, she's pissed. Then she gets a call in the middle of the night and its him, but a past him that has time traveled. What does she do? Him. That is the answer. She picks him up in the car and they do the naughty. There is the daughter. Creepy, weird? Yes.

Now he travels to the future and he meets his daughter who is ten and she tells him that he dies when she is 5. Well that was a spoiler to the movie! Let's jump back here for a second- earlier in the movie you see him show up in their house and he's been shot. Both homeslice and wife just look at future homeslice (naked of course) on the floor and he disappears, so they know how he will die. Then he travels to the future and sees himself dying on the fourth of July (rude- what other day can you eat a brat, hamburger, and a steak? It's what the founding fathers would want). He knows exactly when. Its the day. Its time. They are making out on the stoop (he's in a wheelchair because he got hypothermia on another trip...) and he tells her that its going to happen and she asks why he invited all these people over and he said "so you won't be alone. And so everyone can see my ding-a-ling." Maybe not the last part, but the rest is true. Now its time. He travels to the time when he was first married and hunting with his father-in-law. Her papa is aiming for a deer (he's next to the deer butt to the wind in the snow) and gets shot, but past homie and daddy don't even see that they shot a man, but think that the blood is from the deer. Not very observant! Yep, best part of the movie. My mom was grandpa wheezing it by this point. It was soooooooo funny. He is always getting into trouble when he travels because he breaks into places to get clothes and is constantly getting arrested for it, but he gets shot by his father-in-law! Awesome!

It ends with him showing up where his wife and daughter are in the future after he is dead. Freaky little girl runs to get her mom and Rachel McAdams runs through the field and says to him "If I would have known that you were coming, I would have waited!" Homeboy "I don't want you to wait." Tears! Weeping! Wailing! Gnashing of teeth! Oh wait, that was me...... SO BAD! I wanted to die. We talked about leaving and getting our money back, but its like when you see a really really awkward first date going on behind you at a restaurant and you can't not look. It was a train wreck. I want those 2 hours of my life back....and Jammy's money. The worst part is the Brad Pitt was the executive producer! But Brad, you have such a nice booty! Why did you have to show me an un-nice booty. Why couldn't you have been Eric Bana's booty/body double? It would have made the whole thing much more enjoyable.

Well, that is my VERY long review of this horrible horrible terrible awful painful movie. I will never never never never never ever see that again.