What is wrong with Seacrest?

So, I am slightly addicted to American Idol. You all might know that from my slight Glambert obession and Kris love. Anyway, I digress. Anyone watch Ryan Seacrest on Tuesday's show? He was so so so weird.

First of all, he says the weirdest things. Always awkward. He makes lots of gay innuendos (which leaves one thinking that Ryan might be swinging the other direction) to Simon. And Simon looks at him like he's a retard....and that might be because he IS a retard. He made a "joke" (I put it in quotes because I am saying that he is incapable of making a funny joke) by saying that Brian Dunkleman, who was one of the original hosts of American Idol, would be hosting the 'Idol gives back' episode. No one laughed. But that is probably because a) it didn't sound like a joke b) how is that funny? Then he had say "just kidding."

My favorite part was during Big Mike's song, you could see him in the far off distance dancing with another dude. Gay. Obviously. He is trying to be funny, but no one really could see it. I just guessed that it was him. So, to make his point and get the attention that an attention whore like him needs, he thanked his new boyfriend for the dance.

Have you seen him next to Casey James? He looks like one of the little chocolatiers. I really think that him and Tyra Banks should get married because she is an amazon woman and he's a midget and they are equally annoying so it's perfect. Then we can exile them to Patmos. Oh, and can I PLEASE PLEASE have Casey James's babies? Just a thought....


Oh, and can we just talk for a second about Simon Cowell's dress code for a second? What is with all the v-neck white t-shirts? I buy mine at walmart 5 for $10. He's rich. He can afford something a little bit nicer....oh, and maybe a bro. His moobs are poking out and it looks like his nipples are staring at me....

A new low...

So, I am not really into reality TV because I feel that ALL of these people show the absolute lowest form of society. I see Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (I've never actually seen the show) I want to throw up. Have you seen what she has done to her face? But I digress. I do however love "The Soup" on E! I heart Joel McHale. He makes fun of all the people on reality TV and Tyra Banks. It's awesome.

Again, I digress. Here is the lowest form of humanity that I have seen....I was sitting here doing my homework (which I am now avoiding)and I saw a commercial for one of those "text this right now and get this ring tone" and guess what it was...text the word FART to such and such a number and get a farting noise sent to your phone. In addition to the nasty noise coming from the TV, there was a pink elephant lifting his leg farting....oh, and the area underneath the tail (known as the buttocks) was lime green. I'm uncomfortable. People please never text that. If you do, you might as well be Spencer Pratt. Disgusting.

And the Academy Award goes to....

Me. Because I watched it while facebooking. I love multitasking. It makes me feel productive. Here is my run down of the Academy awards.

I am so sad for my lover Matt Damon. He should have won. His performance in Invictus was AMAZING for the following non-superficial reasons: 1- He did a flawless South African accent. I actually don't know if it was flawless, but I do know that it was hot. All I could think when he spoke was, "how can I bear his children?" That's not superficial at all. That is deep eternal love. 2-He was extra blonde and pulled it off. I like to be extra blonde (superficially of course) and I pull it off. We are made for each other. 3- I have an aversion to man thigh. It always kind of creeps me out when boys wear short shorts, but in Invictus, I was IN. TO. THAT.

Let's talk fashion. There are a few things that people should just stay away from. For instance, many people find it cruel to kill animals to wear their fur. I find it even more cruel to skin a muppet to make a dress like Zoe Saldana did. NOT NICE.

Next is Katherine Bigelow, James Cameron's former gigolo, aka his ex-wife. First off, let's hear it for the sister! I didn't know about her or their former marriage or what happened to end it, but as a woman, I just feel a solidarity for her and the fact that she gets to stick it to her ex. She beat him and that is all that matters. On another note, she kind of acted a little aspbergery when she accepted for the best picture. Just a thought.

Why did Jeff Bridges have to win for best actor. I have never even heard of his movie and he seems old and creepy, which does well for the academy. I was watching the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and he says that beards get Oscars and Mr. Bridges had a long goatee and some slicked back hair. I think that's what won it for him. I would have voted for George simply for the fact that he is sexy.

I was rooting for Sandra!!!! I haven't actually seen The Blindside, but I think that I need to now. I like that Sandra said that girls like her, who make movies like she does, don't win Academy Awards. I think that she is beautiful, funny and overall REAL and I can RELATE to her and she kissed Ryan Reynolds so who cares about anything else?

I was glad that Mo'Nique won for best supporting actress. I haven't seen Precious either, but just from the commercials, she scared the living daylights out of me. She doesn't shave her legs (which I learned on the Barbara Walters special before) but she wears skirts. She says that her husband loves it, but I think he doesn't. I think that he loves how rich she is and will say he loves it. They showed her leg hair on national TV. Ew. She says she doesn't believe in shaving. How is that I belief? I no longer believe in showering or stopping at stop signs. I think its just common decency!

Last but not least- I am glad that Avatar did not win best picture for the following reasons: 1-Blue people freak me out 2- They did not let that sexy sexy man, Sam Worthington, speak using his accent. Crime against humanity!!! 3- There are jelly fish floating around and I did not see Spongebob once. You can't go jelly fish catching without Spongebob and Patrick! It's like tap dancing without shoes! 3- I never saw the movie because it looked stupid 4- Now I don't HAVE to see it because it is stupid. It lost. Now, I invite you all to ignore everything that I wrote and just comment on how I need to see it because it's amazing. Go. Leave your comments here.

I watch TV, so what?

I tend to like to do reviews of the things that I watch....and they are usually bad reviews, but I have decided to review some of the things that I enjoy!

First, I watched the new show on NBC called Parenthood. I started watching for one reason and that is Lauren Graham. She is Lorelai Gilmore from the Gilmore Girls, essentially the greatest show ever. I LOVE HER in a totally straight non-lesbian way. I have some healthy self-esteem (if you didn't know already) and have never wanted to be anyone else other than me (except whoever Brad Pitt was dating) but I want to be Lorelai. She is funny and so quick witted and I love her STYLE, but I digress.

The show was a bit more dramatic than I first expected. I thought coming from Ron Howard (who did the most amazing Arrested Development) and thought it would be more like that. There were 2 things that are similiar to the AD 1- Bland (aka Ann) plays Lauren's daughter and 2- there is the one brother who is holding together all his siblings. I am not 100% sold yet, but we will see.

Next, I am LOVING absolutely LOVING the show Modern Family. I came in mid season and did just fine, so I think that you all can jump in. It is HILARIOUS! Here is the premise: There is a father (AL Bundy from Married with Children) who is married to a young hot Columbian lady named Gloria. She has a 10 year old son Manny who is essentially 10 going on 40. And hilarity ensues. Then Jay (Al Bundy) has 2 kids. Claire, who is married to Phil (oh, how I love Phil) and has 3 kids and Mitchell who is gay and married to a big old flaming gay man named Cameron. Nothing is better than Cameron. They have adopted a little girl named Lily from Vietnam. Jay calls her a fortune cookie (good old racist jokes. The PC people in my diversity class would be appauled and I applaud-bad Sydney!). When Mitchell and Cam announce Lily's adoption to the family, Cam dresses up in traditional African garb, turns on "The Circle of Life" and presents baby Simba at pride rock (aka their living room). I peed a little. Hilarity ensues.

Then there is Phil. He is almost half-retarded half genius. I LOVE HIM. When he gets a kidney stone, he is soooo dramatic! His kids come in and he says "Don't worry, Daddy will be ok." His son says "We know." Phil-"We don't know that." Then he folds over in pain and exclaims "oooh, its cancer!" Claire calls an ambulance and gets all dressed up for the fire fighters and Phil guilts her and Hilarity ensues. I love it. You should love it too. Here's a fireman clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii_Jto9MsSs

The stomach flu

I hate the stomach flu.
I hate wanting to die every minute of it. I would rather stab myself in the leg than ever do this again.
I hate that all I ate was like 10 saltine crackers and half a bottle of gatorade.
WORST. MEAL. EVER.
I hate throwing up. I will never be bulimic. I would rather be morbidly obese than ever have to do that again.
I hate that I missed two days of school and still had to crank out TONS of homework even though I almost died.
I hate that I have the crappiest insurance ever and couldn't really go to the doctor.
I love my roommates for taking care of me and pretty much making it so that I didn't move the entire day.
I love the little carrier monkey, baby Cal that gave it to me and I will forever love him despite the disease.
I love that I have a TV and DVR player in my room so I could watch my boyfriend Chuck all day while not moving. I gave up moving cold turkey. Smokers have got nothing on me. It really just takes will power to quit....and a debilitating sickness.
I hate that I had to boil all of my bedding to rid my room of all the disease. I feel like I had the plague and soon someone from Monty Python will come down my street screeming "bring out your dead!" and I will be the one that is not quite dead yet....yay for me. Then my roommates will bring out all of my stuff for it to be burned or given to the Native Americans like the smallpox blankets.

Dear Nicholas Sparks.

Please, please, stop writing books. I can't handle it anymore. Every single time I experience one of your books (generally in movie/trailor form), I end up with vomit all over myself. Also, Mr. Sparks, I would really really really like you to stop having your books made into movies. I know that you make lots and lots of money off of them, but it deeply hurts me and anyone with any sort of taste in film.

A Walk to Remember- or as I like to call it, "Please Kill Me so I Don't Remember." I will sum up the movie for you.

Mandy Moore- "I'm sick."
Shane West- "It's ok. You're hair and clothes are really bad in this movie. No one will miss you, but let's get married so I seem like a really good guy and can get scholarships for really young widowers."
Mandy Moore- "My dad's a minister so I have to dress like this."
Shane West- "Stop talking. You are not pretty enough for me to endure this."
She dies. And scene.

the Notebook- Still not sure why its called the notebook. It should be called "Fornication" or another movie that leads to another on again off again romance between its characters in real life.

Ryan Gosling- "I'm poor."
Rachel McAdams- "That's ok. I'm rich and spoiled so I can get what I want and still be a brat to you."
James Marsden- "I'm pretty. Did you see my blue eyes?"
Rachel McAdams- "I did see them, but this guy is into doing it on the floor, so I am going with him."
James Marsden- "Cool, I'll go become a mutant and fight Hugh Jackman for Famka Janssen."
Ryan Gosling- "I need breakfast."
Old People- "Let's follow hailey's comment and kill ourselves simultaneously and be able to join the mother ship."

Nights in Rodanthe- Didn't see it, but old people making out. Ew.

Dear John- Should be called "Come to my House Channing and Take Advantage of me."

I have not seen this one, nor will I unless Channing is shirtless for the entire movie and I can mute it. But then again I would rather watch him dance in Step Up (again, no need for volume).

Also, Mr. Sparks, could you pretty pretty please with sugar on top tell the dude or dudette who wrote Time Traveler's Wife to stop writing books too? Its just for the betterment of the world.

I'd like to introduce you to a few of my friends....

I have a problem...I have lots and lots and lots of shoes. I like to think of them as my friends and more as a part of me than just a simple accessory. Here we have the shoes on the wall of my closet. As you can see, I have had to start double/ tripling up on the slots. I have recently purchased four pairs of shoes in the past week...I was in Vegas! I must shop! It doesn't count, I swear!

Now these little beauties are what's down below. Also, those boxes all have shoes in them. They are stacked really high up under the clothes. I might have a problem.

Now, let's get to the clothes. On top there, I have my sweatshirts and purses. Inside all of those purses are more purses and I think that they are currently giving birth to more purses as we speak....sad story though, I was unable to find a purse that I wanted in Vegas. Well, I actually bought a hand bag/clutch type purse, but its not the same. And yes, my clothes are color coordinated.

Oh, did you think that was it? False. That was just one half of my closet. We end with coats here. I know, I'm ridiculous. People tell me to get rid of stuff, but quite honestly I wear all of this and I do get rid of it frequently. And yes, that is a care bears suit case in the top of my closet. Jealous?