Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Could there be anything worse in the entire world?

I, unfortuately had the incredible displeasure of seeing the movie "The Time Traveler's Wife." So, here's the story......As you all know, my life is totally lame and I don't really have any friends outside of my roomies up here in Salt Lake, so I was chilling with the family after my cousin Lindsey's baby shower at my mom's. We were bored- namely my mother (referred to as Jan, Jammit, Jammy from here on out) and my sister Megan. We looked at the movies playing at Thanksgiving point and quite honestly, there was nothing playing that looked good that we hadn't already seen (my life is lame, get off my back!), so we decided that we would see "The Time Traveler's Wife" (this will now be referred to as "My Own Personal Hell" from here on out).

Here is my thought process- Its Rachel McAdams. Loved her in Mean Girls and Wedding Crashers. I hated the Notebook, but I must be honest, I suppose that it was tolerable...kind of. The best part of that movie is when the old people die at the end, so I thought it might be like that. Horrible story line (thanks Nicholas Sparks), but some good making out (that's what the kids are calling "it" these days- this is edited just for my mommy) and I could use a little loving in my life so I thought it might be like that. I WAS SO INCREDIBLY WRONG I COULD DIE.

The movie starts out with his mom dying and a really ugly kid playing a young Eric Bana (not a good actor). Then he time travels, but guess what doesn't- his clothes. So, essentially you spend the whole movie looking at Eric Bana's arse. Its not even a nice butt. They should have cast Brad Pitt in this movie. The movie Troy should have been rated G so that everyone could see the brillance of Brad's booty. Anywho, nothing good AT ALL about his bottom. Just makes me uncomfortable and remember why its entitled My Own Personal Hell.

So, the basic story is that he time travels (shocker) back to important moments in his life, but he can't control it, he just goes and his clothes don't. Really? Can't his clothes just go with him? It DOES NOT add to the movie in the least.....but I digress. So, he goes and visits his future wife when starting when she is six. Dirty pervert. She falls for him early on and gets all huffy (at the ripe age of 9) when he tells her that he's married. Pedofile. Anyway, he meets her for the first time when she is in college and he doesn't know her (because he hasn't traveled to see her yet in his life, but he has in hers-yep confusing). They get married and she gets all peeved because he disappears for weeks on end.

This is the best part- because its the most horrible. Something happens and its pretty dramatic, but I can't remember quite what it was because I hear that the brain tries to suppress traumatic experiences- and she just looks at him and says "but we're having a baby." Then she miscarries, gets preggers, miscarries, preggers, miscarries, cries....ahhhhh booo hoooo, ahhhh the horror! So, homeboy decides that the baby is "time traveling out of the womb!" Yep. He said that. Jammit at this point is giggling so hard. She thought this supposedly moving movie was so funny because it was so bad.

He then goes to a doctor that his wife tells him about that he told her about when she was younger. He goes and tells the doctor "I have chromo discombobulation (might be a misquote there)." Dr- "I have never heard of this before and I'm a geneticist!" Homie-"It's a term that you came up with." Yep. That happened. Next scene, they are walking down the street and there is a little girl watching them and you know its their daughter.

Because of the miscarriages, he decides to get a vasectomy without her knowing. That's always smart. Wives don't care about that at all. Good choice. He tells her, she's pissed. Then she gets a call in the middle of the night and its him, but a past him that has time traveled. What does she do? Him. That is the answer. She picks him up in the car and they do the naughty. There is the daughter. Creepy, weird? Yes.

Now he travels to the future and he meets his daughter who is ten and she tells him that he dies when she is 5. Well that was a spoiler to the movie! Let's jump back here for a second- earlier in the movie you see him show up in their house and he's been shot. Both homeslice and wife just look at future homeslice (naked of course) on the floor and he disappears, so they know how he will die. Then he travels to the future and sees himself dying on the fourth of July (rude- what other day can you eat a brat, hamburger, and a steak? It's what the founding fathers would want). He knows exactly when. Its the day. Its time. They are making out on the stoop (he's in a wheelchair because he got hypothermia on another trip...) and he tells her that its going to happen and she asks why he invited all these people over and he said "so you won't be alone. And so everyone can see my ding-a-ling." Maybe not the last part, but the rest is true. Now its time. He travels to the time when he was first married and hunting with his father-in-law. Her papa is aiming for a deer (he's next to the deer butt to the wind in the snow) and gets shot, but past homie and daddy don't even see that they shot a man, but think that the blood is from the deer. Not very observant! Yep, best part of the movie. My mom was grandpa wheezing it by this point. It was soooooooo funny. He is always getting into trouble when he travels because he breaks into places to get clothes and is constantly getting arrested for it, but he gets shot by his father-in-law! Awesome!

It ends with him showing up where his wife and daughter are in the future after he is dead. Freaky little girl runs to get her mom and Rachel McAdams runs through the field and says to him "If I would have known that you were coming, I would have waited!" Homeboy "I don't want you to wait." Tears! Weeping! Wailing! Gnashing of teeth! Oh wait, that was me...... SO BAD! I wanted to die. We talked about leaving and getting our money back, but its like when you see a really really awkward first date going on behind you at a restaurant and you can't not look. It was a train wreck. I want those 2 hours of my life back....and Jammy's money. The worst part is the Brad Pitt was the executive producer! But Brad, you have such a nice booty! Why did you have to show me an un-nice booty. Why couldn't you have been Eric Bana's booty/body double? It would have made the whole thing much more enjoyable.

Well, that is my VERY long review of this horrible horrible terrible awful painful movie. I will never never never never never ever see that again.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I just realized that all of my pictures were of here are my Italy pictures. Yes, be very jealous...

Oh hey, America. I'm in Italy, but I hate their food (bland bland bland) give me a cheeseburger. Oh, what's that? Is that the Pantheon in the background of my fine dining at McDonalds? Why yes it is!
This is where the temple in Rome is being built. We had this driver take us out there and he must have thought us nuts to be looking at an empty lot....Ikea is in the background on the left and beautiful fields to the right. Under Roman law, before you can build anything you have to do some excavation to see if there are ruins anywhere that you might build. So, the saints in Italy were fasting before they started the process and they didn't find anything where the temple will be built, but they found some a mere 100 feet away. So, a temple in Rome! Yay!

First marriage in the Roman temple. Me and this fine man. He is a police officer helping out this sweet old lady. I want to have his babies. I creepily took a picture of him as we were getting off the train. Italian men come in 2 forms- greasy or delicious. He is the latter.

This is Florence. Vaughn just chilling a million miles from everyone else. We wanted to do a facebook album called "What Vaughn did in Italy" because he just wanders around and does his own thing.

The David by Michaelangelo is in the Museum of Florence. You can't take pictures in there, but they have put a replica of it outside in the piazza where it originally was. Megan and I were a little bored so we decided to give David a good game. He liked it.
This is the Pontevecchio in Florence. It is known for their jewelers along the bridge and leather. This is where I spent way too much on a purse that I love. Vaughn also spent 9 Euro on an gelato. That is something like 15 bucks.
This is a bronz statue of Persius after he killed Medusa. Its amazing and its just out in the open in the piazza in Florence.
The baptistry in Florence that is known for its doors by Ghiotto. Michaelangelo called them "The Gates of Paradise" because of their beauty. Each panel depicts a scene from the old testament.
This is the Duomo. The baptistry belongs to this. Its made of inlaid green and pink marble. It was done by Bruneschelli. It is one of the only Gothic cathedrals in Italy. The inside is very plain.
Our favorite Gelato shop. Here is how you can tell if its good gelato-look at the banana flavored one. If its yellow, then they use artificial flavoring- if its a gray color, then they use real fruit and whatnot. Soooooooo good.
So, we went to Borghese park to the museum and to rent a bike (which was totally awesome)- Anywho, we took a rest after walking around for a while and I look over at Vaughn and this is what he has built. Yep, a camp fire in case we are stranded in the park. Such a weirdo.
The bikes at this place are AWESOME! They are like Flintstone cars. Here's Meg and I Roman around. Tee-hee.
This is our bike. If Vaughn wasn't peddling, we weren't moving.
Pompeii. They estimate that they only have about a quarter of it excavated.
Vaughn loves to look at the colums and the tiles and see how they put them together and figure out how he would do it. Here he is just wandering in Pompeii.
This is from Pompeii. Super sad to see. They say that ancient Romans were only about 4 and a half to 5 feet tall. Interestingly enough, the Gladiators, who were slaves, were around 6 to 7 feet tall. What? Beat them Romans down!
This is a chariot groove in the cobblestone. So, not only has it been covered for thousands of years, it was a thriving metropolis before for a very long time.
Pompeii was on the coast before (now its about 3 miles inland) so it was a port town with lots and lots of visitors. Ask me about their whore houses and how that all worked out. Very very interesting and pornographic.
This is the cute little town of Sorrento. They are know for their lemons. I loved it here. Lots of little shops (me? shop? Never!) and cobblestone streets.
Coast line on the way to Sorrento and Pompeii
This is outside of a museum. I forgot what its called but it was once the house of the Pope's nephew and it is ridiculous. Lauren might actually be having fun with us here. And I quote "you guys are not funny at all."
This is the Ecstasy of St. Theresa by Bernini, as previously stated, he is my favorite sculptor. This shot does not do it justice, but I couldn't get high enough to get a good view. It was here that I saw a guy about my age in such anguish and he was going around praying to the icons at all of the altars putting money into the boxes and it made me so sad for him to not know that he could speak to God directly and he didn't have to go through a mable statue.
This is the forum. Its essentially the main part of the ancient Roman empire.
This is where Brutus was believe to have died.
Triumphal archway
I'm pretty sure that this is Russel Crowe. He now takes pictures for tourists.
These are the holes mostly from people taking out the Bronz
This is the area below where the gladiators and the animals were kept before the big show. They were brought up on a make shift elevator type thing...
They built the stage to show what it would have looked like. They also found skulls down below of all sorts of wild and exotic animals. Crazy town!
Full view Outside view of the Colliseum. Most people think that the destruction happened because of time and the weather and stuff like that, but it is mostly because people would steal the stone to build other things. They would also melt down the bronz that was on the inside of the structure used as support to make things. Boo people who ruin stuff for others.
Trevi fountain. This was absolutely ridiculous. Tradition holds that if you make a wish and throw a coin over your shoulder, then you will come back to Rome again.
Spanish Steps.Isn't it beautiful?
This is the Vatican.
My wonderful family just sitting on the steps talking at the Vatican. Love them!
Vaughn Beames everyone. He was always off in his own world doing his own thing and we documented it.
Part of Vaughn's uniqueness is that he finds simple and what some would term as "boring" things fascinating. Here he had been visually and physically following this Roman pigeon around and just as I was about to take a picture, he turned around to have us look at it. This might be my most favorite picture of the whole trip. I love my daddy!
These are the Swiss guards. They serve for 2 years and they have to be Swiss Roman Catholic virgins. Sound familiar? They get cooler outfits than the Mormons do...
This was made by Bernini (my favorite sculptor) out of bronz that they stole from the Pantheon. It is located in the Vatican at St. Peter's which is the largest cathedral in the world. This is actually 10 stories tall, but you can't tell because of the size of the basillica.
This is Michaelangelo's Pieta. One of my all time favorite sculptures. I love the look of serenity on Mary's face (which is a very Renaissance look) speaking of the peace that Christ would rise again. I personally feel the Michaelangelo was inspired. I wish I could have taken pictures of the Cistine Chapel, but its not allowed. So much wisdom that is not a part of Catholic theology. Also, in the 1960's some lunatic came in and broke Mary's fingers off and Christ's foot. That is why its now under glass and you can't get close.
This is also in the Vatican. It's an ancient Roman sculpture. Normally they did have eyes like this made out of marble, but now they are gone due to destruction of pagan antiquities or stolen to be used somewhere else. Kind of freaky, right?
Vaughny loves his gelato. Look at his compared to Megan's. He was a happy boy....
This is their Capitol type building. Its also probably one of the newest buildings in Rome dating 1910 or something like that.
Zac followed me there. He loves me. What can I say?

Oh, hey. I'm walking down the street- no big deal. Oh wait ancient ruins. What? Caesar
was killed right here? Oh, ok. That's totally normal. Ya, I saw something like that in Provo.
Hello Pantheon.
The sisters at the Vatican.