Wednesday, January 30, 2013


So, some of you might have seen Kelly Corless's post about how Gold's Gym is screwing her over, but unfortunately I am in the same position (except that Kelly has cancer and I have asthma- hers is WAY WORSE).

Kelly and I have been friends for 20 years, since we were wee little babies.  We are roommates and have helped each other through a lot of difficult things.  We even have similar issues.  She has thyroid cancer and I have hypothyroidism with a touch of an auto-immune disease- Hashimotos (I don't think that you can actually have just a touch of an auto-immune disease.  I HAVE an auto-immune disease), but on top of that I have really bad asthma. 

The doctors believe that I have always had exercise enduced asthma since I was a child which has always made exercising for me SO. VERY. DIFFICULT.  But then, while living in Salt Lake a few years ago, I moved into a house that had black freaking mold.  I lived there for 2 years without knowing it until everyone that I lived with starting have respiratory problems.  So, I moved out of there and I started having these spells where I could breathe.  I would be sitting on my bed and I would have to take very long deep breaths to keep myself breathing.  I spoke to Kelly about it and she said to go to the doctor (smart girl).  I called my normal doctor, they panicked and got me into the very first doctor that had an open appointment that day.  I met with him, he gave me inhalers and whatnot.  It didn't help.  So then I was sent to the pulmologist.  New inhalers.  Nothing.  Then to the ear nose throat doctor.  No change.  Then to an allergist (I am allergic to fall weeds and cats-there goes my future of being a cat lady).  Nothing.  I had a CT scan of my sinuses.  Multiple X-Rays of my lungs. A Holter monitor on my heart.  An echo-cardiogram. A sleep study (to the tune of $1044 AFTER insurance). Allergy tests. So much blood was drawn that I might be anemic now.  SIX ROUNDS OF STEROIDS.  Coutnless perscription drugs to the tune of hundreds of dollars. And THEN a horriffic allergic reaction to this fun cocktail of medications that led to ANOTHER ROUND OF STEROIDS. Anyway, after all of this, they say that I am fine and that it is just really bad asthma.

I began to feel better in August and after so very many rounds of steroids (my biceps were huge and I won the tour de France) my asthma was under control.  Kelly had signed up with Gold's Gym and had started with a trainer that she really liked.  Gold's had advertised that it was a month to month contract and so I went in.  I signed up, free training session, totally fun.  They then said that Kelly and I could train together and it would be "cheaper." Lies.  I told them about my asthma and the issues and just like Kelly they said they "would work with me."  We even talked about Kelly and her cancer and he said "we'll totally work with you."  LIES! So, like an idiot.  I signed the contract under the impression that I pay for what I use and they don't take out your money unless you have used all of your other sessions. 

So, fastforward Nov/Dec and the air quality is HORRIFIC.  I can't breathe again- just like last year.  I go to my pulmonologist and he doubles my steriod inhaler and wants to put me back on steroids, but I can't take anymore chest hair (total jest.  No chest hair, but I just feel all of this unnecessary RAGE specificly towards Gold's, oh wait.  It is necessary.) so we just try to see if that will work.  I am also using my rescue inhaler all the time.  I absolutely CANNOT work out at this point in time.  So, Kelly and I are chatting and I started calling Gold's to figure this out.  I speak to my gym specifically.  They direct me to the corporate office.  I call them.  Nothing.  I call them.  Nothing.  I call them.  Nothing.  No one will return my call.  I then talk to Kelly post surgery and she tells me her whole experience.  So, we pull out our contracts and start pouring over them.  I feel so duped.  I feel like everything I told was not true.  I asked lots of questions and I was told and reassured that it was above board.  Which it is not.  Obviously.  So stupid.  On top of everything, due to last year's very expensive medical costs (literally thousands of dollars) and 2 horrible car accidents (a whole other topic), I am broke.  I work so very hard.  I try to be financially responsible, but things happen and I have only been working for a little over a year post graduating (and a 6 month stint with unemployment) and I can't catch up.  Kelly and I are trying to sell our contracts, but apparently everyone else knows about Gold's and I had no idea. 

And to make things worse.  My Mumford and Sons pandora station won't stop playing Coldplay.  I hate today. And then Kelly showed me this KSL report this morning.  So, let this be a lesson to all of you.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Emotionally checked out....

Wat up, blogosphere...?!? Are you ready?  Ok, I don't have a purpose for today's post outside of the fact that I am avoiding doing my job at the moment.  It has been a couple of crappy weeks at work, therefore I am sitting in my office blog stalking and eating takis.  What is a taki, you ask?  Well, I work with a bunch of white kids that think they are cholas so they introduced me to this Mexican chip that are spicy, delicious, and have a slight hint of ramen. I checked- they have MSG.  All the good crappy food has it.  Hence the ramen flavor. 
Love these little guys.  I can only get them in the super ghetto areas of Provo.  Go team me.  If get a chance and like little spicy ramen wonders, hit that.
Just so you know, my kids are at a Drug Free week assembly, so I am putting their needs first by not pulling any of them out of there even though this will only prolong my work.  Whatevs.  I have also watched some Hulu today to get me back to being able to be emotionally available to my kids.  Probably the best therapist out there.  You are welcome world!  I am here to fix ALL the things!
Wanna hear about how I am single?  I think that there are 2 types of blogs in this world.  People showing off their happy marriage and children and single girls whining about how they are single.  This is the latter.  I'm single. whine. I have to go on fabulous trips instead of wiping snotty noses.  This weekend I'm going to NYC.  It is the worst. Next month I have to take 2 weeks off work to go to Dublin and England. Pitty me. I have to sleep in a big bed all by myself and no one ever leaves my toilet seat up (Actually, I have PTSD about toilets and the male gender.  My lil' bro' had his own bathroom growing up and the stench of urine was UNBEARABLE!!!  I am afraid that all men pee everywhere.  I need therapy) or make me watch them play video games.  My life is tough!
Ok, but in all seriousness, my life is pretty good.  I am traveling and SHOPPING (I tell people that my wardrobe is like food storage.  I know that when I am married that I will not be able to shop the way that I want to so I am saving up.  I am totally  following the words of the prophet.  So righteous). I am happy overall........ 
.........I could really use a good makeout though.  So, I will work on flirting with some gentlemen callers so that I can get some sweet loving and then perhaps be more emotionally available to solve the worlds' problems.  And yes, I do know that I pluralized world.  I am taking this out of this universe.  NASA has done some good stuff on Mars, right?  PS In Vegas we came up with alter egos and my friend's was that she worked for NASA.  One guy was really interested in an internship.  She told him to email her at  Good ol' drunks are so gullable. I still laugh at this. 
Next, I love Thor.  That is all......ooooo!  What if I made out with him??? 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I have a PROBLEM.....

For a living, I help people overcome their problems.  I am rational.  I am objective.  I talk out issues and work towards a solution.  But for some inexplicable reason, I cannot find a solution to this problem.  I LOVE Chris Hemsworth, aka Thor.   I love him.  I love him.  I love him.  I really think that I like him more than any boyfriend I have ever had.  That is a very sad statement for two reasons:  it's a sad commentary on my emotional availability to men around me and the crappy men that I have dated.  Eh.  Not too stressed about that. 

I saw the Avengers.  I made Jan and Vaughn take me after work one day because everyone else in the world had seen in (it was like 2 weeks after it opened).  I sat and watched the beginning and kept bugging Jan (who hates action movies but might share a love of Chris with me, therefore, she came) that he wasn't on the screen.  I was not just every once and a while during the movie but incessently and obnoxiously.  Every two minutes "Jan, where is my boyfriend??"  "Jan, I love him.  Where is he?"  "Jan, this movie is crap.  I NEED some Thor."  "Jan, there he IS! I loorve this movie!  This is the beeeeeessssssssstttt movie I have ever SEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNN!" 

Now, with the coming out of this movie, I perhaps maybe sort of kind of might have recorded on my DVR (heavens bless the DVR.  How did we SURVIVE life without a DVR??!?) every single instance when he was TV.  There might be a few still on there.....and I might have watched them multiple times.  Don't you dare judge. I have very little in my life right at this moment.

Anyway.  I could probably talk about him for the rest of my life, so I will instead let the pictures do the talking.  He's so tall, so big, so Australian, has the deepest and sexiest voice, and did I mention that I love him?


I lover him.
 Hot with any hair cut.

This is my pretend child with him.  Too far?  Too creepy?  I think that I might need a boyfriend.  Just saying that I am accepting applicants.  I might be pathetic.  I am ashamed.  Not. I don't think shame is something I experience.

Seacrest, out!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Oh, Dear Sydney. What have you been up to??

This is for my readers!!!  (all five of you.  And that includes Jan (the mother)).  I have been suh-lacking on my duties to the blog-o-sphere lately and now I will offer a whole slew of excuses as to why I have not been posting.

First of all, let's go back 11 years to when I ran for senior senate in high school~ I feel a Scooby Doo/Wayne's World ending coming on right about now.....I thought it would be fun to do something in my senior year.  I listened to the Beach Boys "Be True to Your School" (I ignored the "just like you were to your girl" part due to the fact that I am straight despite my inability to have a man) and thought it was a good idea.  Well, let me tell you- IT WAS A BAD IDEA.  Here was my campaign strategy:  I made ONE big poster that had some SERIOUSLY ugly/ridiculous pictures of myself and wrote "Sydney Beames, it would be an ugly year without her."  Well, I tricked those fools and they elected me- to senate, not president.  Fast forward to now and somehow I ended up planning my whole high school reunion.  Wha?  Huh??  Yep.  All me.  Luckily I have had some Ah-maz-ing peeps that have helped a ton.  Bless their souls.  And their hearts and I don't mean that in an "oh, look at that poor sap, bless his heart,"  kind of way.  So, I have decided that at the reunion, I am going to retroactively name myself as class president and make everyone vote again.  OR I will probably just name myself both the king and the queen of the reunion.  Seems normal.  Also, people are complaining all the time which makes me want to scream "PLAN YOUR OWN (explicit word here) REUNION!!!!!!!! So, that is excuse #1.

On to the next- MY JOB HAS CONSUMED MY SOUL.  I have an extra kid on my caseload now, which is fine because I get paid more and I had to buy a new car so that is a good thing (PS got a blue honda civic.  I love it.  Only one complaint- it has the tiniest steering wheel of all time.  Vaughner wanted to drive it home from the dealership and it was like hulk hands driving a ritz cracker).  Now, just one kid  can seem to be just a little extra work, but her mom is HYPERACTIVE.  Emails, phone calls, crying, me pulling out my hair and then crying myself.  Next, somehow I got elected to start a whole new program for our girls here at Heritage.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited and passionate about helping the girls feel empowered and comfortable in their own skin, but that take a lot of time.  But they gave me an intern.  Cool, huh? Makes me wish I drank coffee so I could have her go get me some.  Next life, perhaps. 

I also moved out of Jan's house.  I feel like such an adult and that I miss my mommy.  Being on your own 100% is so expensive!  Barf.  No one cooks me dinner or cleans up my messes and now I have to clean up after other people now that I have roommates. Double barf.  But I had to leave Jan and Vaughn because my singles ward was full of the BIGGEST creepers alive.  I had one guy who just wouldn't stop touching me. I didn't even know his name and he kept touching me and telling me that he saved me a seat.  I am not sure if he has some sort of mental handicap because when I don't like someone, it is REALLY obvious.  I do not pretend; I am not polite, but somehow he missed those signals.  So, I had to leave Jammit and Vaughnald's for the big expansive world of Provo.

Other things:
 -I have been having some issues with being sick
 -I tend to over schedule myself
 -I spend a lot of time watching TV
 -I spend even more time day dreaming about Thor (an avengers recap will hopefully come soon)
 -I like to shop at Costco and that is very time consuming
 -I have been reading to blind children (not really, but my kids at work are as close as I will get)
 -I am becoming a germ-a-phobe
 -I am all around lazy

There are my excuses for not posting on my blog.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

Well, kids. It's that time of year again and for those of you who have spent any time at all with me know that I am fashionably late for everything, so here are the late resolutions.

1. Stop attracting creepy guys. I seriously don't know what the deal is! This summer I went out with a guy who would NOT stop texting me and asking me what I was odd. And he was 30 and has ALWAYS lived with his parents except for his mission. He sees no need to move out. Weird. If we were to get married, I would have to live in his parents basement and watch him make out with his mom (too far? I think I felt that as I was writing it...)

Also, there is a guy in my ward that sat next to me for a total of 3 minutes at the Christmas party and HE. WON'T. STOP. TOUCHING. ME. He constantly has his hand on my arm and tells me he's saved me a seat. I don't know his name. All I know is he is creeping me out. So, my goal to is repel the creeps and attract Thor. Just saying.

2. I really want a long thin gold chain neckalace. Or chainses (pronounced chain-zez) like Mr. T. His symbolize the chains of bondage of the slaves. Mine will represent my personal bondage to pop culture.

3. Figure out a way to get free botox. Things are getting any prettier and my biological clock is ticking, so we gots to figure something out. Botox is the answer, I am pretty sure. Any good therapist (like myself) would tell you that.

4. Take more naps. I might just be saying this because it is 1:45 am and me so tired.

5. No judging here, but I am going to vote for the first time. I have never gotten around to registering because when I get my driver's license renewed, my birthdate is always just a few days after the deadline. I am officially registered now. Such a grown up.

6. Move out of Jan and Vaughn's basement. I have been looking at places FOREVER, but nothing is really working out at the moment. I need a big closet (I currently using 2 of Jan's closets- its called Occupy closets. The goal is to show the world that I need more clothes) and a place to do my crafts, tae bow (its totally coming back), Native American fluting, and, of course, my planking. This all takes up space so I NEED a big room and closet.

7. I found out that Thor is married. I cried for days. How dare he???!? So, my goal goes a little something like this "Nevermind I will find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you two (not. I hope she gets all disfigured). Don't forget me! I beg! I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love (but it helps when you have met them) and sometimes it hurts instead (like when in the movie you only had your shirt off for like 15 seconds. That hurt. Bad.)" Those were the original lyrics to this song. Just in case you were wondering. So, my goal is to find someone like Thor. That's all. It might be lofty, but I the only action I am getting is from a guy who just won't STOP touching my arm ALL THE TIME, so I will take my fantasy life. Aren't you all glad that you are not me??

Saturday, November 19, 2011

It's been a while

I have been such a slacker when it comes to the blog-o-sphere. I apologize to my readers (I like to pretend like I have readers...). And so, I give you the update on me life (I have been watching Dancing with the Stars with Jan and there is this super sexy Irishman on there and he says things like 'me life' so I have adopted it. He's not gay, just European.)

Well, I have been full-time employed for over a month now and I am very happy. I love what I do. I love having money. And get this, I have benefits. Take that Obama-care! Actually, Obama-care really had nothing to do with it, I just want to sound all political and moralistic. It makes no sense, but to others who know nothing about this stuff like me, I sound like a woman of the world. It's a lie. I am just a woman of Lehi/Provo.

In other news, I hate dating. Shocking, right? I know. I am not bitter. I do not blame my singleness on anyone but myself (and then again I don't really do that because have you seen my face? Ain't nothing wrong with that). I am not all grumpy about men not asking me out or the questions as to why I am single. I don't care. I just really really hate first dates......I can be oh so charming and flirty (haha...I don't think I know how to flirt to save my life) but I just get so BORED. And, the worst part is, I CAN'T WEAR SWEATPANTS. Horrible.

Today, I had a brunch date. Weird. I was up and ready by 10am on a Saturday. Tragedy. It was fine and he was nice, but his favorite band was Matchbox 20. Who's favorite band is Matchbox 20???? Gross. Now, are you sitting down? Because you need to be. He likes Nickelback. I feel like only Communists and Nazi's like Nickelback. Not because they like the music, but they know that its the lowest, dirtiest, most rotten form of torture out there. Everything I liked, he hated and everything he liked, I hated. Le sigh. It was not meant to be. He will never call again and I don't really care. We were set up through my sister in law, Polly, who was college roommates with his sister in law. Polly has never met him. It was one of those, 'oh, I know a single woman and you know a single man, so it's perfect!' Needless to say, I think I am done with the blind dates. No mas. I am seriously considering cats. Or a hair-do like Helena Bonham Carter. Nothing says crazy single woman more than that. Except Helena is with Tim Burton, but I picture him looking like Jack Skelington, so it really doesn't count.

In other news, I think I am moving back to Provo. Yep, Provo. I had dreams of Boston or DC and getting out of this one horse town (lie- I am sure there are like one brazilian horses in Lehi) and doing something different. I guess that is just not in the cards right now. Therefore, P-town, here I come. Maybe a new adventure will happen there. Like the guy who plays Thor will join the church, move to Provo, and fall madly in love with me. I would take that. Actually, I know a fine gentleman caller (I wish he were my gentleman caller) that looks like Thor and might be my dream boat, but alas and alack, he lives far far away and does not lover me the way I creepily lover him from afar. But that is another story all together.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sad and pathetic things that happen to the unemployed

Well kids, being unemployed does something to a human being. Not good no....not good things. Here is how my life has changed.

Hygiene. What is hygiene? I gross myself out sometimes. I stongly believe that if you don't move much, there is less opportunity to stink.

Hair. This goes along the same lines as hygiene. I wash my hair soooo much less. I have adopted this new chic style of putting it in a knot on the top of my head. Its the new thing is Paris, Rome, and basements all across Lehi.

Couch time. Jan made Vaughn rotate his positions on the couch in the basement so he wouldn't get a butt groove in her sofa. Megan and I rotate positions every once in a while so our bodies won't get contorted in the same way each and every day. We are equal opportunity contorters. All parts must somehow feel uncomfortable. And this also lessens butt grooves which are an absolute EPIDEMIC among the unemployed.

Bad bad bad bad TV. Wow. I cannot even describe how bad. Oh, wait. Yes, I can. Yesterday we finished watching "To the Mat" a CMT original movie starring Ricky Schroader (who is no longer Rick Schroader, but Ricky again. Thank you. How else would we know that you are the boy from Silver Spoons?) and the Grinch in a blonde wig and VERY shiny pink lipgloss. Here is the storyline. The Grinch has left whoville and is now a finicial something or other who saves businesses. She goes to the south to help out the Slocum Academy, which is a school for WWE style wrestling. Wackiness ensues. She breaks up with her finance in New York who happens to be Jack Skellington in the flesh with Anderson Cooper's hair and makes out with the kid from Silver Spoons at a waffle house with her Grinch butt in the hair. But I digress. I watched the WHOLE movie. PA- THET- TIC. The movie and me.

Underwear radius gets quite a bit larger. I didn't do this, but I feel it coming. Megan decided she wanted a burger. She went out to turn on the grill in her bathrobe. Well, let me tell you a little somethin' somethin' about these robes. We all got one for Christmas and let's just say they are not the longest thing ever. In fact, they are quite short. Well, for any of you familiar with the Mormon underwears know that they are not short. She had many an inch haning out. And my parents' backyard is not fenced in. And bras are optional, if worn at all.

I am also beginning to feel that bathrobes are acceptable attire. Who needs clothes anymore? I certainly don't. I have always had a fond love of sweatpants, but a robe might be a bit better. My parents have finished the bathroom in the basement (because their children can't get jobs or husbands) and we have had workers here A LOT. They have all seen me rocking the bathrobe. Not the shorty one, but a much more suitable.

If I choose to get dressed, I only wear cutoff shorts and stripity shirts. My poor wardrobe is neglected. I think it cries for me out of lonesomeness. Did I just make up a word? What if I call if lonesomenessity?

I have fabulous makeup and am quite pretty, but alas, I am only operating at like 3% makeup right now.

I am pretty sure I done gone catch me a man like this!