New Year's Resolutions

Well, kids. It's that time of year again and for those of you who have spent any time at all with me know that I am fashionably late for everything, so here are the late resolutions.

1. Stop attracting creepy guys. I seriously don't know what the deal is! This summer I went out with a guy who would NOT stop texting me and asking me what I was doing...so odd. And he was 30 and has ALWAYS lived with his parents except for his mission. He sees no need to move out. Weird. If we were to get married, I would have to live in his parents basement and watch him make out with his mom (too far? I think I felt that as I was writing it...)

Also, there is a guy in my ward that sat next to me for a total of 3 minutes at the Christmas party and HE. WON'T. STOP. TOUCHING. ME. He constantly has his hand on my arm and tells me he's saved me a seat. I don't know his name. All I know is he is creeping me out. So, my goal to is repel the creeps and attract Thor. Just saying.

2. I really want a long thin gold chain neckalace. Or chainses (pronounced chain-zez) like Mr. T. His symbolize the chains of bondage of the slaves. Mine will represent my personal bondage to pop culture.

3. Figure out a way to get free botox. Things are getting any prettier and my biological clock is ticking, so we gots to figure something out. Botox is the answer, I am pretty sure. Any good therapist (like myself) would tell you that.

4. Take more naps. I might just be saying this because it is 1:45 am and me so tired.

5. No judging here, but I am going to vote for the first time. I have never gotten around to registering because when I get my driver's license renewed, my birthdate is always just a few days after the deadline. I am officially registered now. Such a grown up.

6. Move out of Jan and Vaughn's basement. I have been looking at places FOREVER, but nothing is really working out at the moment. I need a big closet (I currently using 2 of Jan's closets- its called Occupy closets. The goal is to show the world that I need more clothes) and a place to do my crafts, tae bow (its totally coming back), Native American fluting, and, of course, my planking. This all takes up space so I NEED a big room and closet.

7. I found out that Thor is married. I cried for days. How dare he???!? So, my goal goes a little something like this "Nevermind I will find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you two (not. I hope she gets all disfigured). Don't forget me! I beg! I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love (but it helps when you have met them) and sometimes it hurts instead (like when in the movie you only had your shirt off for like 15 seconds. That hurt. Bad.)" Those were the original lyrics to this song. Just in case you were wondering. So, my goal is to find someone like Thor. That's all. It might be lofty, but I the only action I am getting is from a guy who just won't STOP touching my arm ALL THE TIME, so I will take my fantasy life. Aren't you all glad that you are not me??

It's been a while

I have been such a slacker when it comes to the blog-o-sphere. I apologize to my readers (I like to pretend like I have readers...). And so, I give you the update on me life (I have been watching Dancing with the Stars with Jan and there is this super sexy Irishman on there and he says things like 'me life' so I have adopted it. He's not gay, just European.)

Well, I have been full-time employed for over a month now and I am very happy. I love what I do. I love having money. And get this, I have benefits. Take that Obama-care! Actually, Obama-care really had nothing to do with it, I just want to sound all political and moralistic. It makes no sense, but to others who know nothing about this stuff like me, I sound like a woman of the world. It's a lie. I am just a woman of Lehi/Provo.

In other news, I hate dating. Shocking, right? I know. I am not bitter. I do not blame my singleness on anyone but myself (and then again I don't really do that because have you seen my face? Ain't nothing wrong with that). I am not all grumpy about men not asking me out or the questions as to why I am single. I don't care. I just really really hate first dates......I can be oh so charming and flirty (haha...I don't think I know how to flirt to save my life) but I just get so BORED. And, the worst part is, I CAN'T WEAR SWEATPANTS. Horrible.

Today, I had a brunch date. Weird. I was up and ready by 10am on a Saturday. Tragedy. It was fine and he was nice, but his favorite band was Matchbox 20. Who's favorite band is Matchbox 20???? Gross. Now, are you sitting down? Because you need to be. He likes Nickelback. I feel like only Communists and Nazi's like Nickelback. Not because they like the music, but they know that its the lowest, dirtiest, most rotten form of torture out there. Everything I liked, he hated and everything he liked, I hated. Le sigh. It was not meant to be. He will never call again and I don't really care. We were set up through my sister in law, Polly, who was college roommates with his sister in law. Polly has never met him. It was one of those, 'oh, I know a single woman and you know a single man, so it's perfect!' Needless to say, I think I am done with the blind dates. No mas. I am seriously considering cats. Or a hair-do like Helena Bonham Carter. Nothing says crazy single woman more than that. Except Helena is with Tim Burton, but I picture him looking like Jack Skelington, so it really doesn't count.

In other news, I think I am moving back to Provo. Yep, Provo. I had dreams of Boston or DC and getting out of this one horse town (lie- I am sure there are like one brazilian horses in Lehi) and doing something different. I guess that is just not in the cards right now. Therefore, P-town, here I come. Maybe a new adventure will happen there. Like the guy who plays Thor will join the church, move to Provo, and fall madly in love with me. I would take that. Actually, I know a fine gentleman caller (I wish he were my gentleman caller) that looks like Thor and might be my dream boat, but alas and alack, he lives far far away and does not lover me the way I creepily lover him from afar. But that is another story all together.

Sad and pathetic things that happen to the unemployed

Well kids, being unemployed does something to a human being. Not good things....no no....not good things. Here is how my life has changed.

Hygiene. What is hygiene? I gross myself out sometimes. I stongly believe that if you don't move much, there is less opportunity to stink.

Hair. This goes along the same lines as hygiene. I wash my hair soooo much less. I have adopted this new chic style of putting it in a knot on the top of my head. Its the new thing is Paris, Rome, and basements all across Lehi.

Couch time. Jan made Vaughn rotate his positions on the couch in the basement so he wouldn't get a butt groove in her sofa. Megan and I rotate positions every once in a while so our bodies won't get contorted in the same way each and every day. We are equal opportunity contorters. All parts must somehow feel uncomfortable. And this also lessens butt grooves which are an absolute EPIDEMIC among the unemployed.

Bad bad bad bad TV. Wow. I cannot even describe how bad. Oh, wait. Yes, I can. Yesterday we finished watching "To the Mat" a CMT original movie starring Ricky Schroader (who is no longer Rick Schroader, but Ricky again. Thank you. How else would we know that you are the boy from Silver Spoons?) and the Grinch in a blonde wig and VERY shiny pink lipgloss. Here is the storyline. The Grinch has left whoville and is now a finicial something or other who saves businesses. She goes to the south to help out the Slocum Academy, which is a school for WWE style wrestling. Wackiness ensues. She breaks up with her finance in New York who happens to be Jack Skellington in the flesh with Anderson Cooper's hair and makes out with the kid from Silver Spoons at a waffle house with her Grinch butt in the hair. But I digress. I watched the WHOLE movie. PA- THET- TIC. The movie and me.

Underwear radius gets quite a bit larger. I didn't do this, but I feel it coming. Megan decided she wanted a burger. She went out to turn on the grill in her bathrobe. Well, let me tell you a little somethin' somethin' about these robes. We all got one for Christmas and let's just say they are not the longest thing ever. In fact, they are quite short. Well, for any of you familiar with the Mormon underwears know that they are not short. She had many an inch haning out. And my parents' backyard is not fenced in. And bras are optional, if worn at all.

I am also beginning to feel that bathrobes are acceptable attire. Who needs clothes anymore? I certainly don't. I have always had a fond love of sweatpants, but a robe might be a bit better. My parents have finished the bathroom in the basement (because their children can't get jobs or husbands) and we have had workers here A LOT. They have all seen me rocking the bathrobe. Not the shorty one, but a much more suitable.

If I choose to get dressed, I only wear cutoff shorts and stripity shirts. My poor wardrobe is neglected. I think it cries for me out of lonesomeness. Did I just make up a word? What if I call if lonesomenessity?

I have fabulous makeup and am quite pretty, but alas, I am only operating at like 3% makeup right now.

I am pretty sure I done gone catch me a man like this!

I am in love.....

I really am. And I mean it more than just friends. This is serious.

I love Ryan Reynolds more than just friends. And that is funny because he was in a movie called Just Friends.

I love Nutella more than just friends. If a woman could profess her undying love to a creamy hazelnut/chocolate substance and have it be socially acceptable, then this is it, people.

I love Matt Damon. I have loved him since 7th grade. I made a picture frame of tiny pictures of him at girls camp when I was 13. What did I put in that picture frame??? Another picture of Matt. On my mission, he got married and I told my companion that it was to me. She didn't believe me. LEAST favorite companion.

I love sandwiches and potato chips. I could/eat them everyday. When I run out of either turkey or chips, I get seriously grumpy. Then I go to the store. Then I am happy.

I love Dashboard. Don't judge. You know all the words to their songs, so don't be all "that is so high school." No, its right now.

I love to sleep. I mean, I REALLY love to sleep. If I have the option of sleep or food, I pick sleep (which is shocking because I loooooove food). Pick between showering or being the stinky kid at work (and/or school when I attended, but I have officially dropped out...or graduated), I pick stinky kid every single time. This summer (of patheticness/awesomeness) I sleep until 11 most days. At the beginning of my time at the parentals, Jan would say "don't you want to get up and get the day started?" I would simply respond that it would give me more time to think about how lame my life is, so I choose to sleep as long as I can.

I love a good book. I will ignore everything around me forever just to enjoy a book that is eloquently written or makes me laugh or cry.

I love a good movie. Anything that is well done will do. I seriously lack any sort of emotion about my life (except apathy), but man, movies really get me! I was watching Pearl Harbor for a minute today (staring my boyfriend's BFF, Ben Affleck) and I was tearing up! What is up with that? I had to change the channel because I just finished my makeup.

I love that I'm pretty. Is that horrible? Am I so vain? Probably. How sad would that be to be totally unfortunate looking? I am not gonna lie, I don't wake up looking this good (but oh so close....teehee...) but what if there was not salvaging this mess? I also love that I am a girl. If you are a boy and ugo, there is no help outside of dressing well. I have soooo many products that will keep my face criogenically frozen at 27. It's gonna be weird in 30 years, I tell you what.

Plans and expectations

You know, I like to think that I am "on the ball" with my life in most ways. But I also feel that I am always working and striving to be better and do better, but I don't seem to make it, but isn't that what life is really about?

I have made plans and had expectations about my life that I haven't seen come to pass. I look at my friends from jr. high, high school, college and now even grad school and I can see the progression in their lives. Most are married and have kids, and those that aren't seem to be deep into their passions making the world better. I am not any of that at this moment. Then again, I have those friends that aren't married and are still trying to figure out what is next in their life and I do not envy the road that I have already traveled (ie grad school and finding what I want to do for a career) but I do envy the possibilities. I love having the world open to me to do whatever I want. But in terms of a career, I have made my choice and I am happy with it, but I still feel that there is something lacking in my life.

I decided that I was going to move to Boston many many months before graduation. I feel really really good about that decision, so I moved in with my parents in the between time. My parents are pretty fantastic and nag me WAAYYYYY less than high school (love you Jan), but is this where a 27 year old woman should be?

Anyway, so I got a job at Heritage working as a therapist and I am stoked about it, but I want them to move the whole campus to somewhere else. Perhaps Boston. I have a hunch that they won't, so here I am. I think that getting hired there was most definitely a sign from above that there is still something here for me, but I do not feel that way. I actually feel the opposite. I feel trapped. I feel like I am picking out cats, eating until I reach that critical and oh so fun stage of the "morbidly obese" and deciding to start dressing like my mother (who actually has great taste, so she will have to change that soon. I am thinking sweaters with cats doing funny things or t-shirts that say something like "your boyfriend likes me better than you." Side bar- can you imagine Jan wearing something like that??? I would just die. She has recently taken up wearing her overalls to garden because they are very convenient for it and I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard, but I digress....) I spent this week doing absolutely NOTHING because I have nothing to do. I don't have a ton of friends anymore because they are no longer living this single care-free life that I still have the ability and expectation to live. I want to break free. I want to break freeeeee (yes, sing along...)

I am happy and I am not throwing a pity party for myself because I actually am very proud of what I have done and where I am going in my career, but do you ever just start itching for a new adventure? I suppose that my job will be one, but I don't think its big enough. I have done the Provo thing. I have done the working at a treatment center thing. I suppose this will all change when I start in August. Just not what I expected. I guess that is why we shouldn't have too many expectations in our lives because they usually don't happen the way we think. Anyone else feel this way? Just sending it out there to the Universe (People used to look at the moon and say these things, but now we put it on blogspot.com or just say "earth to Matilda...hello....hello...."- name that movie)

Thor vs. Wolverine in a battle to the death! Or for my eternal love...

Who is the more manlier man? In this in depth article, I will discover who is the manliest using a point system that is completely biased on my own opinion and therefore, totally credible.

In order to truly understand who is the manliest, we have to take a closer look at them sans shirts. It is only fair. This is a tough one. Both have REE-Dic-ULOUS arms they kind of make me wanna cry a little bit, but with pecks like that, I am afraid that Thor will take the cake here. He gets eight points- one for each peck and his six pack.

Superhero powers- Well, Thor is a God, so that is kind of cool, has super human strength (in every bulging muscle), but I think that a hammer is the weirdest weapon. My dad uses a Yankees hammer that my cousin Whitney gave him. The Yankees are awesome, but that hammer is no crazy-metalled-claws-fused-to-rapidly-healing-bones kind of weapon. I tend to like self-made superheros (which is why I will always pick Batman over Superman. Batman did it all on his own while Superman was just that way) So, we'll give ol' Wolvey 6 points for his claws.

Overall likeablity- Thor is a self-entitled butthead (yes, I said butthead. If he can act like a 6th grader, then I will use 6th grade name calling). He whines and thinks he knows everything and doesn't listen to his one-eyed father. Now, I have an uncle who just had his leg amputated and he is essentially blind, and trust me, I would listen to Steve if he were a blind one-legged God who had fought a lot of wars and kept peace in the Universe because he OBVIOUSLY knows more than I do, but in the end, he sacrifices being with his lover, me (ok, fine Natalie Portman) for the betterment of the universe.... Wolverine is no peach either. He actually is kind of a jerk. Most girls would find him mysterious and have this inner desire to save him from himself and try to make him a good man. Not me. I am a therapist and I absolutely would not want to come home and have to do therapy on him. I do not like the bad boys. Plus, he drives a motorcycle and my daddy said I could never get on one. He does fall for that Jean Gray, but never really humbles himself like Thor does, so here is three-quaters of a point for Thor. If he continues to prove himself, then we will round up to a full point.

Scary factor- they say a picture says a thousand words, so we will let the photographic evidence speak for itself.

Not that scary. Not that bad-A. Just swing my little hammer and I will either put a picture up on the wall (which a woman always likes) or fly through the universe.

Ummm.....how did they get every single vein in his body to explode like that? I don't think that while editing this film, they thought "hey, let's do some air brushing and make him have more veins so he seems more threatening." I think that the vein-spolsion happened on its own and I am a bit intimidated right now. If the question were "who could hang the family photos better?" then it would go to Thor, but in defending my honor (as if I had any....) would go to Wolverine. He only gets a half point for my honor. There really isn't much to protect....

Finally, the last round goes to the best accent, naturally. Both are from Australia so all I have to say is "yes, please." But, unfortunately little Hugh Jackman did not speak with his natural woman seducing native tongue while Chris Hemsworth did, so the winner winner chicken dinner in this category is Thor. He can use his native tongue on me anytime (that might possibly be the dirtiest thing I have ever written on my blog. What say ye?) Three points!

I'm also going to through in a little love for the actors that play them. I like a clean cut man, so let's get rid of the long hippie hair and the Ace Ventura copy hair cut.....

Hmmm.....I lover Hugh in Scoop. I have never such a tall dark and handsome man pull off a finely tailored suit like he does. But, hello??? Can we just take a moment to stare at old blue eyes here? Conclusion.......speechless.....3 points to Hugh for wearing a suit so well, and 2 points to Chris for peering into my soul (umm, confession. I just typed peeing into my soul. Not on purpose, but I did most certainly laugh out loud for a second.)

And so, the winner of the first Annual Sydney's Manliest Man contest is.......drum roll please....

THOR with 13 and 3/4 points and the close runner up with 9 1/2 points is WOLVERINE. But seriously....I will take whichever one I can get.

I am Katherine Heigl

I was watching 27 Dresses and had THE most depressing realization of all time- I am Katherine Heigl. Not literally because I am actually Sydney (in case you didn't know), but it would be nice because she is rich and I like money....

So, in the storyline of 27 dresses, Katherine's character, Jane is always the bridesmaid and never the bride. I have not been a bridesmaid 27 times, but quite a few. In addition, I have done makeup and hair for COUNTLESS weddings. I have not had the opportunity to hold a wedding dress while a bride peed, but I then again I did flush toilets for a living for like 3 years.

In the movie Knocked Up, which I have never seen, she has a one night stand with Seth Rogen who apparently is a loser and she gets pregnant. I have never had a one night stand nor have I ever been pregnant, but I do tend to date complete losers who need to get their crap together. Unlike Seth Rogen, my guys never do, so this is where we differ.

In the movie Killers, she plays a completely awkard girl who does not know how to date. Did they base this character on me? I think they did. At the beginning of the movie, she has just broken up with her boyfriend who is apparently a nerd (I love nerds) and ends up in Nice with her parents. I travel with the parentals all the time. Twins. She meets Aston Kutcher (dreamy) in an elevator and is weird and uncomfortable and it is the story of my life. Where we differ- she ends up with Ashton and they kill people. I only threaten to kill people and by people I mean my brother Taylor, but he deserves it. He hog tied me last night.

In Life as We Know It, she plays one of the best friends of people who have a beautiful house, beautiful child, and another beautiful bestie in the form of Josh Duhmel (I would gladly lover him forever). She is completely focused on her career (which I was until I moved in with my parents. Have you seen their big screen and sat on their couch that sucks all aspirations out me???) and going forward in her life. She doesn't date. I don't date. Its natural, right? Where we differ- I don't have Josh Duhmel in his underwear in my house. That is the real tragedy here people. And the fact that I am Katherine Heigl. And now I have to get a snaggle tooth. Crap.