Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Emotionally checked out....

Wat up, blogosphere...?!? Are you ready?  Ok, I don't have a purpose for today's post outside of the fact that I am avoiding doing my job at the moment.  It has been a couple of crappy weeks at work, therefore I am sitting in my office blog stalking and eating takis.  What is a taki, you ask?  Well, I work with a bunch of white kids that think they are cholas so they introduced me to this Mexican chip that are spicy, delicious, and have a slight hint of ramen. I checked- they have MSG.  All the good crappy food has it.  Hence the ramen flavor. 
Love these little guys.  I can only get them in the super ghetto areas of Provo.  Go team me.  If get a chance and like little spicy ramen wonders, hit that.
Just so you know, my kids are at a Drug Free week assembly, so I am putting their needs first by not pulling any of them out of there even though this will only prolong my work.  Whatevs.  I have also watched some Hulu today to get me back to being able to be emotionally available to my kids.  Probably the best therapist out there.  You are welcome world!  I am here to fix ALL the things!
Wanna hear about how I am single?  I think that there are 2 types of blogs in this world.  People showing off their happy marriage and children and single girls whining about how they are single.  This is the latter.  I'm single. whine. I have to go on fabulous trips instead of wiping snotty noses.  This weekend I'm going to NYC.  It is the worst. Next month I have to take 2 weeks off work to go to Dublin and England. Pitty me. I have to sleep in a big bed all by myself and no one ever leaves my toilet seat up (Actually, I have PTSD about toilets and the male gender.  My lil' bro' had his own bathroom growing up and the stench of urine was UNBEARABLE!!!  I am afraid that all men pee everywhere.  I need therapy) or make me watch them play video games.  My life is tough!
Ok, but in all seriousness, my life is pretty good.  I am traveling and SHOPPING (I tell people that my wardrobe is like food storage.  I know that when I am married that I will not be able to shop the way that I want to so I am saving up.  I am totally  following the words of the prophet.  So righteous). I am happy overall........ 
.........I could really use a good makeout though.  So, I will work on flirting with some gentlemen callers so that I can get some sweet loving and then perhaps be more emotionally available to solve the worlds' problems.  And yes, I do know that I pluralized world.  I am taking this out of this universe.  NASA has done some good stuff on Mars, right?  PS In Vegas we came up with alter egos and my friend's was that she worked for NASA.  One guy was really interested in an internship.  She told him to email her at janet@nasa.com.  Good ol' drunks are so gullable. I still laugh at this. 
Next, I love Thor.  That is all......ooooo!  What if I made out with him??? 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

I have a PROBLEM.....

For a living, I help people overcome their problems.  I am rational.  I am objective.  I talk out issues and work towards a solution.  But for some inexplicable reason, I cannot find a solution to this problem.  I LOVE Chris Hemsworth, aka Thor.   I love him.  I love him.  I love him.  I really think that I like him more than any boyfriend I have ever had.  That is a very sad statement for two reasons:  it's a sad commentary on my emotional availability to men around me and the crappy men that I have dated.  Eh.  Not too stressed about that. 

I saw the Avengers.  I made Jan and Vaughn take me after work one day because everyone else in the world had seen in (it was like 2 weeks after it opened).  I sat and watched the beginning and kept bugging Jan (who hates action movies but might share a love of Chris with me, therefore, she came) that he wasn't on the screen.  I was not just every once and a while during the movie but incessently and obnoxiously.  Every two minutes "Jan, where is my boyfriend??"  "Jan, I love him.  Where is he?"  "Jan, this movie is crap.  I NEED some Thor."  "Jan, there he IS! I loorve this movie!  This is the beeeeeessssssssstttt movie I have ever SEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNN!" 

Now, with the coming out of this movie, I perhaps maybe sort of kind of might have recorded on my DVR (heavens bless the DVR.  How did we SURVIVE life without a DVR??!?) every single instance when he was TV.  There might be a few still on there.....and I might have watched them multiple times.  Don't you dare judge. I have very little in my life right at this moment.

Anyway.  I could probably talk about him for the rest of my life, so I will instead let the pictures do the talking.  He's so tall, so big, so Australian, has the deepest and sexiest voice, and did I mention that I love him?


I lover him.
 Hot with any hair cut.

This is my pretend child with him.  Too far?  Too creepy?  I think that I might need a boyfriend.  Just saying that I am accepting applicants.  I might be pathetic.  I am ashamed.  Not. I don't think shame is something I experience.

Seacrest, out!

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Oh, Dear Sydney. What have you been up to??

This is for my readers!!!  (all five of you.  And that includes Jan (the mother)).  I have been suh-lacking on my duties to the blog-o-sphere lately and now I will offer a whole slew of excuses as to why I have not been posting.

First of all, let's go back 11 years to when I ran for senior senate in high school~ I feel a Scooby Doo/Wayne's World ending coming on right about now.....I thought it would be fun to do something in my senior year.  I listened to the Beach Boys "Be True to Your School" (I ignored the "just like you were to your girl" part due to the fact that I am straight despite my inability to have a man) and thought it was a good idea.  Well, let me tell you- IT WAS A BAD IDEA.  Here was my campaign strategy:  I made ONE big poster that had some SERIOUSLY ugly/ridiculous pictures of myself and wrote "Sydney Beames, it would be an ugly year without her."  Well, I tricked those fools and they elected me- to senate, not president.  Fast forward to now and somehow I ended up planning my whole high school reunion.  Wha?  Huh??  Yep.  All me.  Luckily I have had some Ah-maz-ing peeps that have helped a ton.  Bless their souls.  And their hearts and I don't mean that in an "oh, look at that poor sap, bless his heart,"  kind of way.  So, I have decided that at the reunion, I am going to retroactively name myself as class president and make everyone vote again.  OR I will probably just name myself both the king and the queen of the reunion.  Seems normal.  Also, people are complaining all the time which makes me want to scream "PLAN YOUR OWN (explicit word here) REUNION!!!!!!!! So, that is excuse #1.

On to the next- MY JOB HAS CONSUMED MY SOUL.  I have an extra kid on my caseload now, which is fine because I get paid more and I had to buy a new car so that is a good thing (PS got a blue honda civic.  I love it.  Only one complaint- it has the tiniest steering wheel of all time.  Vaughner wanted to drive it home from the dealership and it was like hulk hands driving a ritz cracker).  Now, just one kid  can seem to be just a little extra work, but her mom is HYPERACTIVE.  Emails, phone calls, crying, me pulling out my hair and then crying myself.  Next, somehow I got elected to start a whole new program for our girls here at Heritage.  Don't get me wrong, I am super excited and passionate about helping the girls feel empowered and comfortable in their own skin, but that take a lot of time.  But they gave me an intern.  Cool, huh? Makes me wish I drank coffee so I could have her go get me some.  Next life, perhaps. 

I also moved out of Jan's house.  I feel like such an adult and that I miss my mommy.  Being on your own 100% is so expensive!  Barf.  No one cooks me dinner or cleans up my messes and now I have to clean up after other people now that I have roommates. Double barf.  But I had to leave Jan and Vaughn because my singles ward was full of the BIGGEST creepers alive.  I had one guy who just wouldn't stop touching me. I didn't even know his name and he kept touching me and telling me that he saved me a seat.  I am not sure if he has some sort of mental handicap because when I don't like someone, it is REALLY obvious.  I do not pretend; I am not polite, but somehow he missed those signals.  So, I had to leave Jammit and Vaughnald's for the big expansive world of Provo.

Other things:
 -I have been having some issues with being sick
 -I tend to over schedule myself
 -I spend a lot of time watching TV
 -I spend even more time day dreaming about Thor (an avengers recap will hopefully come soon)
 -I like to shop at Costco and that is very time consuming
 -I have been reading to blind children (not really, but my kids at work are as close as I will get)
 -I am becoming a germ-a-phobe
 -I am all around lazy

There are my excuses for not posting on my blog.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

New Year's Resolutions

Well, kids. It's that time of year again and for those of you who have spent any time at all with me know that I am fashionably late for everything, so here are the late resolutions.

1. Stop attracting creepy guys. I seriously don't know what the deal is! This summer I went out with a guy who would NOT stop texting me and asking me what I was doing...so odd. And he was 30 and has ALWAYS lived with his parents except for his mission. He sees no need to move out. Weird. If we were to get married, I would have to live in his parents basement and watch him make out with his mom (too far? I think I felt that as I was writing it...)

Also, there is a guy in my ward that sat next to me for a total of 3 minutes at the Christmas party and HE. WON'T. STOP. TOUCHING. ME. He constantly has his hand on my arm and tells me he's saved me a seat. I don't know his name. All I know is he is creeping me out. So, my goal to is repel the creeps and attract Thor. Just saying.

2. I really want a long thin gold chain neckalace. Or chainses (pronounced chain-zez) like Mr. T. His symbolize the chains of bondage of the slaves. Mine will represent my personal bondage to pop culture.

3. Figure out a way to get free botox. Things are getting any prettier and my biological clock is ticking, so we gots to figure something out. Botox is the answer, I am pretty sure. Any good therapist (like myself) would tell you that.

4. Take more naps. I might just be saying this because it is 1:45 am and me so tired.

5. No judging here, but I am going to vote for the first time. I have never gotten around to registering because when I get my driver's license renewed, my birthdate is always just a few days after the deadline. I am officially registered now. Such a grown up.

6. Move out of Jan and Vaughn's basement. I have been looking at places FOREVER, but nothing is really working out at the moment. I need a big closet (I currently using 2 of Jan's closets- its called Occupy closets. The goal is to show the world that I need more clothes) and a place to do my crafts, tae bow (its totally coming back), Native American fluting, and, of course, my planking. This all takes up space so I NEED a big room and closet.

7. I found out that Thor is married. I cried for days. How dare he???!? So, my goal goes a little something like this "Nevermind I will find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best for you two (not. I hope she gets all disfigured). Don't forget me! I beg! I remember you said sometimes it lasts in love (but it helps when you have met them) and sometimes it hurts instead (like when in the movie you only had your shirt off for like 15 seconds. That hurt. Bad.)" Those were the original lyrics to this song. Just in case you were wondering. So, my goal is to find someone like Thor. That's all. It might be lofty, but I the only action I am getting is from a guy who just won't STOP touching my arm ALL THE TIME, so I will take my fantasy life. Aren't you all glad that you are not me??