Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The stomach flu

I hate the stomach flu.
I hate wanting to die every minute of it. I would rather stab myself in the leg than ever do this again.
I hate that all I ate was like 10 saltine crackers and half a bottle of gatorade.
I hate throwing up. I will never be bulimic. I would rather be morbidly obese than ever have to do that again.
I hate that I missed two days of school and still had to crank out TONS of homework even though I almost died.
I hate that I have the crappiest insurance ever and couldn't really go to the doctor.
I love my roommates for taking care of me and pretty much making it so that I didn't move the entire day.
I love the little carrier monkey, baby Cal that gave it to me and I will forever love him despite the disease.
I love that I have a TV and DVR player in my room so I could watch my boyfriend Chuck all day while not moving. I gave up moving cold turkey. Smokers have got nothing on me. It really just takes will power to quit....and a debilitating sickness.
I hate that I had to boil all of my bedding to rid my room of all the disease. I feel like I had the plague and soon someone from Monty Python will come down my street screeming "bring out your dead!" and I will be the one that is not quite dead yet....yay for me. Then my roommates will bring out all of my stuff for it to be burned or given to the Native Americans like the smallpox blankets.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Dear Nicholas Sparks.

Please, please, stop writing books. I can't handle it anymore. Every single time I experience one of your books (generally in movie/trailor form), I end up with vomit all over myself. Also, Mr. Sparks, I would really really really like you to stop having your books made into movies. I know that you make lots and lots of money off of them, but it deeply hurts me and anyone with any sort of taste in film.

A Walk to Remember- or as I like to call it, "Please Kill Me so I Don't Remember." I will sum up the movie for you.

Mandy Moore- "I'm sick."
Shane West- "It's ok. You're hair and clothes are really bad in this movie. No one will miss you, but let's get married so I seem like a really good guy and can get scholarships for really young widowers."
Mandy Moore- "My dad's a minister so I have to dress like this."
Shane West- "Stop talking. You are not pretty enough for me to endure this."
She dies. And scene.

the Notebook- Still not sure why its called the notebook. It should be called "Fornication" or another movie that leads to another on again off again romance between its characters in real life.

Ryan Gosling- "I'm poor."
Rachel McAdams- "That's ok. I'm rich and spoiled so I can get what I want and still be a brat to you."
James Marsden- "I'm pretty. Did you see my blue eyes?"
Rachel McAdams- "I did see them, but this guy is into doing it on the floor, so I am going with him."
James Marsden- "Cool, I'll go become a mutant and fight Hugh Jackman for Famka Janssen."
Ryan Gosling- "I need breakfast."
Old People- "Let's follow hailey's comment and kill ourselves simultaneously and be able to join the mother ship."

Nights in Rodanthe- Didn't see it, but old people making out. Ew.

Dear John- Should be called "Come to my House Channing and Take Advantage of me."

I have not seen this one, nor will I unless Channing is shirtless for the entire movie and I can mute it. But then again I would rather watch him dance in Step Up (again, no need for volume).

Also, Mr. Sparks, could you pretty pretty please with sugar on top tell the dude or dudette who wrote Time Traveler's Wife to stop writing books too? Its just for the betterment of the world.