Monday, February 15, 2010

Dear Nicholas Sparks.

Please, please, stop writing books. I can't handle it anymore. Every single time I experience one of your books (generally in movie/trailor form), I end up with vomit all over myself. Also, Mr. Sparks, I would really really really like you to stop having your books made into movies. I know that you make lots and lots of money off of them, but it deeply hurts me and anyone with any sort of taste in film.

A Walk to Remember- or as I like to call it, "Please Kill Me so I Don't Remember." I will sum up the movie for you.

Mandy Moore- "I'm sick."
Shane West- "It's ok. You're hair and clothes are really bad in this movie. No one will miss you, but let's get married so I seem like a really good guy and can get scholarships for really young widowers."
Mandy Moore- "My dad's a minister so I have to dress like this."
Shane West- "Stop talking. You are not pretty enough for me to endure this."
She dies. And scene.

the Notebook- Still not sure why its called the notebook. It should be called "Fornication" or another movie that leads to another on again off again romance between its characters in real life.

Ryan Gosling- "I'm poor."
Rachel McAdams- "That's ok. I'm rich and spoiled so I can get what I want and still be a brat to you."
James Marsden- "I'm pretty. Did you see my blue eyes?"
Rachel McAdams- "I did see them, but this guy is into doing it on the floor, so I am going with him."
James Marsden- "Cool, I'll go become a mutant and fight Hugh Jackman for Famka Janssen."
Ryan Gosling- "I need breakfast."
Old People- "Let's follow hailey's comment and kill ourselves simultaneously and be able to join the mother ship."

Nights in Rodanthe- Didn't see it, but old people making out. Ew.

Dear John- Should be called "Come to my House Channing and Take Advantage of me."

I have not seen this one, nor will I unless Channing is shirtless for the entire movie and I can mute it. But then again I would rather watch him dance in Step Up (again, no need for volume).

Also, Mr. Sparks, could you pretty pretty please with sugar on top tell the dude or dudette who wrote Time Traveler's Wife to stop writing books too? Its just for the betterment of the world.

5 comments:

  1. ok I mostly agree with you on the Nicholas Sparks books/movies. They're all basically the same story with different characters. However, i LOVED The Time Travelers Wife book! sad. the movie sucked big time but the book was SO good and a little dirty! (guilty pleasure?)

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  2. Here is how you Dear John Review should have gone.

    Channing Tatum - I am on leave so date me.
    Amanda Seyfried - Ok but you have to quit after your time is up.
    Channing's Dad - I am Autistic and my son and I have nothing to talk about. (Rude but basically the movie)

    9/11

    Channing - I am staying in the military
    Amanda - We are done
    Dad - Dies

    There is your review.

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  3. Lauren forgot one vital part of the movie...

    Channing: I like to surf with my shirt off.
    Channing: I like to walk home with my shirt open.
    Channing: I like to surf in the rain with my shirt off.
    Channing: I am sad-I'll take my shirt off. I am happy.

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  4. You need a new blog, it's called Nicolas Sparks sux....realllllllll bad. You are obviously qualified to make that judgement with your hatred for him and your desire for better movies for the rest of us. Plus Mad and I roll on the ground every time we think about your movie reviews/re-enactments...also you should re-shoot his movies but in from your perspective, you might make them good!! a true miracle

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  5. I haven't seen any of those movies but now I know in case I get asked about them. More reviews please.

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