Saturday, July 9, 2011

Plans and expectations

You know, I like to think that I am "on the ball" with my life in most ways. But I also feel that I am always working and striving to be better and do better, but I don't seem to make it, but isn't that what life is really about?

I have made plans and had expectations about my life that I haven't seen come to pass. I look at my friends from jr. high, high school, college and now even grad school and I can see the progression in their lives. Most are married and have kids, and those that aren't seem to be deep into their passions making the world better. I am not any of that at this moment. Then again, I have those friends that aren't married and are still trying to figure out what is next in their life and I do not envy the road that I have already traveled (ie grad school and finding what I want to do for a career) but I do envy the possibilities. I love having the world open to me to do whatever I want. But in terms of a career, I have made my choice and I am happy with it, but I still feel that there is something lacking in my life.

I decided that I was going to move to Boston many many months before graduation. I feel really really good about that decision, so I moved in with my parents in the between time. My parents are pretty fantastic and nag me WAAYYYYY less than high school (love you Jan), but is this where a 27 year old woman should be?

Anyway, so I got a job at Heritage working as a therapist and I am stoked about it, but I want them to move the whole campus to somewhere else. Perhaps Boston. I have a hunch that they won't, so here I am. I think that getting hired there was most definitely a sign from above that there is still something here for me, but I do not feel that way. I actually feel the opposite. I feel trapped. I feel like I am picking out cats, eating until I reach that critical and oh so fun stage of the "morbidly obese" and deciding to start dressing like my mother (who actually has great taste, so she will have to change that soon. I am thinking sweaters with cats doing funny things or t-shirts that say something like "your boyfriend likes me better than you." Side bar- can you imagine Jan wearing something like that??? I would just die. She has recently taken up wearing her overalls to garden because they are very convenient for it and I almost wet myself I was laughing so hard, but I digress....) I spent this week doing absolutely NOTHING because I have nothing to do. I don't have a ton of friends anymore because they are no longer living this single care-free life that I still have the ability and expectation to live. I want to break free. I want to break freeeeee (yes, sing along...)

I am happy and I am not throwing a pity party for myself because I actually am very proud of what I have done and where I am going in my career, but do you ever just start itching for a new adventure? I suppose that my job will be one, but I don't think its big enough. I have done the Provo thing. I have done the working at a treatment center thing. I suppose this will all change when I start in August. Just not what I expected. I guess that is why we shouldn't have too many expectations in our lives because they usually don't happen the way we think. Anyone else feel this way? Just sending it out there to the Universe (People used to look at the moon and say these things, but now we put it on or just say "earth to Matilda...hello....hello...."- name that movie)